Based on my experience in life about love due to my interactions with my friends, I am making an attempt to understand what exactly it takes to live a happy life. Of course, there is a huge volume of material available on the topics of life, happiness & success but then, we do not remember anything that we read when it comes to practical life. We know that we should not lie but we do, we know that we should not bribe but we do, we know that we should wake up early but we sleep, we know that we should make sincere efforts but we don't, we know a lot of things but we never put them in to practice in real life
Very recently, my friend broke up with his long time girlfriend. They had been together for more than 5 years and I would look up to them as role models for anyone who wants to rise in love. But then, like someone said, you always fall in love. When I look back to the reason why this happened, I feel it was so silly, cheap, meaningless or insensible but then, I should also agree that there are many things in the world which we ignore and many others value. When I asked the girl, she told me that he went out to purchase something with another girl and it hurt her. I was totally taken aback. It could be a case of possessiveness but then it can not be a case to break the relationship that is standing from more than 5 years. I mean, come on. My brains were blown off. But then, the girl explained to me that the guy has been doing such things in the past also. Despite her warnings, he has not stopped such activities. As far as I know the guy, I had complete faith in him but listening to these words, even my faith was shattered. I understood that there is a terrible misconception at one of the ends. To ensure that the girl puts out everything without anything hidden in her mind, I played a trick of supporting whatever the guy did. The girl was in no mood to talk to me, perhaps, she did not like a third party interference. As far as I remember, this is what we discussed
Me: So, whats the problem if he goes to a shop or for a movie with another girl?
She: I don't like it. Will you take it if your wife goes for a movie with another guy?
Me (shocked to some extent): Hmmm... May be no, but, I would not mind if she went to shop with some other guy
Me: But, come on. In which century are you living? Do you still believe in gender bias? Moreover, he has not done anything wrong. He has just accompanied the girl to a shop
She: You can explain me whatever you want but I do not like it
Me: Then why did you have this relationship with him for 5 years. You should have broken it a long back
She: I truly love him but he is interested in other girls. In fact, this matter has come up many times and we have had many fights because of this
Me: Oh, I see. How many times?
She: 1 week back (current issue). He also went out with a girl in 2008 and that too twice for a movie. Then in 2009, I think he went to a girl's house
Me: So, 3 times in 5 years. I mean, do you think he should not contact any girl at all. What are you trying to say?
She: No, I have no problem if he speaks to other girls but I don't like if he goes out with any girl alone
Me: But he told me that you have problem if he speaks to other girls. You have created a lot of scenes whenever he has spoken to any girl. He says that you have always fought even if he were to say hi to some girl. You even asked him to delete all the phone numbers of girls from his mobile
She: Yes, what's wrong in that? Why should he have any girl's number saved in his mobile? In spite of all this, he speaks to girls. He has spoken 2 times to one girl this year. Last year, he has spoken to at least 3 girls
Me (going mad, psyche, fool): Do you mean to say that he should not speak to girls at all?
She: No, I already said that I have no problem if he speaks to any girl
Me: You just gave me a statistical count of the number of times he spoke to a girl in a particular year?
She: Yes. That was FYI so that you don't tell me that he does not speak to girls
Me: OMG, I speak to at least 2-3 girls in a day. I mean, nobody even counts such things but I am trying to count. What is all this you are speaking? Don't you feel this is non sense? After all, what at least are you trying to prove?
She: You don't know the pain as you don't have a girlfriend. When you have one and it happens with you, you will know then
Me (thanking God for not having a girlfriend): Hmmm, so what do you intend to do now?
She: Break this relationship
She: Yes, it has been already decided
Me: Why are you in such a hurry? I mean, 5 years of relationship getting over in 5 seconds because he met some girl for 5 minutes? Is this all you people call love?
She (angrily): Don't speak about my love
Me: Or are you seeing someone and want to dump him quickly
She: That's none of your business. Do what you have come for here. Nothing more
Me: OK, so, what do I go and tell him now
She: Tell him that he is dead for me and not to contact me in any manner for any reason
After this discussion, I moved to my friend. In fact, my friend was just sitting nearby. I had asked him to stay away so that they don't fight and the discussion doesn't get lost. She drove her vehicle away from us and never even bothered to say a bye. I don't know what has happened. She was never like that. May be, the ego is playing a bad role in these lives. I know these people from a long time but I have never seen them like this. And the reason for which they are going to the extent of breaking the relationship is really something that I can't digest. I started to get a feeling that there is something else. The truth is something else and both are not telling that to me. I tried to take it off from the guy and this is what we discussed
He: What did she tell?
Me: Go to hell
Me: She told, 'Go to hell'. Don't ever contact her
He: Hmmm, I knew. I told you right. Nothing is going to happen. You simply wasted so much of time
Me: What the hell is wrong with you people man? 5 years of relationship and this is all that you have?
He: That even amazes me
Me: People understand each other so much in days and you are like sucking each other's blood
He: This is all a long story. There are huge stories behind all this
Me: Tell me the truth
He: Whatever you know is the truth. There are a lot of stories behind each of these words. Not today please, we'll look in to it some other day. By the way, what is the use now. Its all over
Me: Oh come on, tell me. I know, if not today, you are not gonna tell me ever
He: Hmmm... if you insist, let me tell you. She is a very sensitive girl and very very very ziddi. Unfortunately, I am ziddi but not not very sensitive. I keep my sad feelings for myself. It all started in our college days. I will keep in short. There was a girl who she hated. I, unfortunately, spoke to her for some reason. The warning bells rung. I went to prove my zidd that nothing is wrong but she getting hurt due to high sensitivity. My purpose was solely that she should understand that personal life & professional life are different. I also wanted her to understand that a guy speaking to a girl or vice-versa should not be construed as wrong as the society still considers it a taboo. Now, that was the greatest mistake of my life
Me: Why? What's wrong in that?
He: Nothing. But she mistook it as my interest to speak with that girl. All explanations, debates, declamations happened and it was proved that I was right but nothing can ever change your thought unless you want to change it. The whole world called Osama a terrorist while some called him savior. Its just like that you know. The more I tried to explain her, the more the things went out of order. Slowly, it spread like viral fever and my speech with any girl, even the ugliest of them, was referred as wrong. I kept opposing to ensure that she will improve her thoughts, get the right thoughts on her mind and correct herself. My only intention was to ensure that such creepy thoughts should not kill the future. I wanted them to end them at the earliest. Unfortunately, its 5 years and the fight is still going on
Me: Hmmm, now I got you. This is a case of complete misunderstanding and selecting the wrong option which appears to be right
He: Huh, sort of. As we progressed, I kept making attempts to improve her thoughts but with each attempt, I was only writing my defeat. It was like a series of battle that I was aggressively fighting. Who knew that I am going to lose the war itself?
Me: That's sad. They say, whoever wins the maximum battles wins the war but in your case, I know that you have lost it. I must say that she also has lost it bro. Don't worry
He: I have always been a very social kind of person. I always had this dream of having my girlfriend introduced to everyone and everyone appreciating us and all that stuff. You know right, I always behave like a celebrity though I do not have anything
Me: Haha, no doubt in that
He: It so happened that I introduced her to a couple of girls I knew at my workplace. My friend's girlfriend also was introduced to the same girls and they had a jolly good time. I was asked to join them but I denied. So, I thought, once my girlfriend meets them, they will know each other and have a nice time together. You know, the social recognition need. Something that makes you do what you like in other's doing. But things turned into utter dismay. She came under an assumption that I wanted to be a friend with those girls and I used her for that or something like that. Within minutes, things came to an end
Me: Oh my, this is really sick. You got to be joking
He: No. That's the truth. Though I blamed her and fought with her then, I do not blame her now. I blame myself. Imagine how much my one mistake costed me. Everyone around me goes around in groups and have such a nice time and each time, I just keep avoiding giving some or the other reason. Soon, the people even got to know this reason and it was so embarrassing for me. For the kind of person I am, all these are critical for me. Else, I would never care. But then, I said, nothing is more important than love and I did whatever was told to me. Of course, there have been slips here and there. What hurts me the most is that she did not even make a single effort to understand why all this is happening and what is the solution to this? She kept saying her own demands and if not met, break the relationship. We have broken this relationship, like some 1000 times, easily
Me: OMG, I gave your example to the world for being true lovers
He: Sometimes, I turn mad when I think about all this. You know what, women are crazy characters. Specially when they have people who care for them, they turn too too too possessive, have expectations beyond limits and live in a world that no one wants to enter, not even the one they love. It is just a world with you and the girl. I mean, come on, its good for a day and not for life. The stomach needs food the next day. They never understand and never move on
Me: I guess you should be right. I have no idea of this. Mate, the best solution to your problem would have been to keep quiet. You should have let her sleep in her dreams. You did a mistake by waking her and trying to bring her to real life in a instant. May be, you should have spent some time and then slowly got her into practical world without her knowledge. You have erred by putting words directly. You should have followed the indirect approach
He: Yeah, I know. I have thought about this. But then, I do not want to be a kind of management guru at least in front of her. I know I could have easily dealt this matter with the indirect approach but I wanted to be truthful and straight forward. You know, I had so much trust in her that I was certain that she will understand. I had so many dreams in life, so many, and none of them pictured before me without her being at least 90% of the part. I did a lot for her. I spent a lot of time for her. But these couple of matters, I never compromised on. It was not that I would go to a girl and f**k her or flirt with her. All the time, it was a genuine reason. I was totally pissed off whenever she pointed fingers at me. Because I have so much love for her but I never expected such a thing in return. This was discussed many times and decision was taken that she will improve but it never happened. Each time, she only made her thoughts stronger that I am interested in other girls and all that stuff
Me: Oh, this is crazy man. Now I know how good my life is
He: There are lot of joys too bro. Its not that love gives you pain only. Why are we fighting? Its because we resolve and get together. Why do we want to be together? Its because we love each other. Why do we love? Because we like each other's company and having a good time. This indicates that our life is better. But we have made it worse due to all this external crap. I have been telling not to discuss these things but these keep creeping in to life every now and then and make life terrible
Me: Hmmm, so what do you plan to do now?
He: I have to firstly find out what at least is the source of all her thoughts. I mean, it can not be just her thoughts that is creating all this trash. Sometime back she was referring to some friend who told her that boys are always flirting. May be, there are some more such girls who are adding fuel to the fire. Something has to be done to stop this
Me: Yeah, I do remember a similar problem faced by my friend. She never got any gift from her boyfriend. At a party, someone put it in her mind that, it means, her boyfriend is seeing someone else and he is cheating on her. She got angry and blasted him. Poor fellow, he started buying gifts for her and she was delighted. At another party, someone told her, 'Men give gifts to women when they are cheating on them so that the woman does not doubt on them. They act sweet when they want to have some work done or when they have done something wrong'. She went back and fought with the guy. He comes and tells me, 'What should I do? If I do something, it means I have an affair. If i do not do something, it means I have an affair. Where should I go and die?'. All I could do is sit and laugh at him. Nothing happened in their life, you know. It all came to an end. And that poor guy did not know anything except the route to his office and back home
He: Yeah, such things do happen. Especially with women who receive a lot of love, this is bound to happen. I will tell you another incident. When one of my friend went to see a girl, the girl asked him, 'Would you save a girl if she were to be caught by a few goondas?'. He thought practically and considering his lankiness, he said no. The girl rejected him saying he does not even have the will. At the time of seeing another girl, coincidentally, he got the same question and he answered, 'Yes'. The girl rejected him saying that he can not be normal husband. He will poke his nose in to other women's matter. He will not give due attention to her, etc. Thoughts are so contradicting you know. You can conclude anything you want. The conclusion is already there on your mind. Same way, whatever I have been saying/doing has been concluded in the way she wants over the past 5 years. Thus, the truth has never ever come to the picture. So, I wish to give truth the chance now. I guess, I will keep quiet and see what happens. All the effort to convince her over the years have been wrongly interpreted by her. Lets see if she has gets a right impression at least now
Me: But, she's already gone
He: Everytime she left me, I have gone back and set things right. The only reason would be that, from the bottom of my heart, I knew that I am nowhere interested in even seeing any other girl. But I would have fought with her saying that it is not wrong. This would make her assume that I am interested in other girls and she leaves. I go back, clarify and set things right. And this process has been going on from years together. There are a huge number of remakes and sequels as well. I guess, its time for me to stop now
Me: If both of you stop, who will solve the problem?
He: God. He knows what is right and what is not. All these days, I forced the right upon her which made her feel it is wrong. Its time for her to understand what is right
Me: What if she never understands and sticks to the same point?
He: Does that make a difference?
Me (totally shocked): What?
He: Bro, I am not interested in f**king any girl or something. My mistake is just that I told her over and again that me speaking with a girl is not wrong. That's all. I will stop doing that. It hardly makes any difference to my life whether I speak to another girl or not. The one & the only reason I have been fighting all these days is only to ensure that she removes these wrong thoughts from her mind. I have no benefit from it at all. I just don't want them to be there because you never know what the future has in store for you. Though the world is so big, you repeatedly hit the same people time and again
Me: My mom keeps saying that a husband and wife have a lot of differences when they meet each other for the first time. The success of their relationship depends on how quick they turn these differences to common interests. She keeps saying that the major role in the relationship is played by the woman only
He: Hmmm, that's right. Lets see what is in store for me. Someone has rightly said, "Every woman wishes her man doesn't change after marriage and every man wishes her woman changes after marriage". I really do not know how this decision of mine will be taken. Whether it will be taken as a ignorance, not interested kind of attitude or whether it will be considered as ego or whether I will be considered as a cheat or whether it will be assumed that I had no love and wanted to end this relationship or whether it will be assumed that I am going around with someone else. Some bitches seem to have entered into our relationship who are guiding her. They would be the happiest to see their prediction of our relationship coming to end come true. I really do not know what has been filled into her mind by who or whether it is her own thought or whether it is due to this cumulative effect of what been happening with us or whether it is the pampering or whether the relationship itself has lost its value...
He broke into tears and fell over my shoulder. I guess, it would be the same case with her in case she too is, as per her words, really in love and it is still alive. I, for never having been in love, do not understand what this is all about. All I have been able to understand that there is a lot of force, energy and power in this one feeling. We left the place and had our dinner. While on the way, I got to know the greatest truth of love which my friend said, "Its got nothing to do about the girl or the feeling or thought or anything. Its just that she wants me to do something based on which she is deciding whether I love her or not. Coincidentally, I am also deciding on the same parameter whether she loves me or not but my need of results is exactly the opposite of her need'. How true...!!! This is all the problem they have. In fact, this is all the problem the world has. While the Congress calls something good, the BJP calls it bad and vice-versa. If the guy agrees to the girl, he will feel that the girl will never improve her thoughts and he is struck with a wrong girl. If the girl agrees to the guy, she will feel that he is a flirt and he will never improve and her life is struck with a bad boy. Nobody wants to lose for the reason that they will treat the other person with a wrong thought. Thus, both are good and both are correct in their own senses. But then, both can win if and only if both of them lose. I guess, there is no direct solution to this problem. All that can be done is to love each other so much that these problems will just disappear. Insult the problem, insult the thought that created the problem. Do not insult yourself. Do not insult love. And now, I have been dwindling over this dilemma from the last 5-6 hours. Its 3am and I guess, I need to go to bed now
Hope this helps some young lovers out there. Make efforts to grow love. Don't ever have a doubt on it. Love so much that the one who is cheating feels ashamed to have done what he is doing. There is a quote in kannada, 'Pratyaksha kandaru Pramanisi nodu' (even if you have seen, check the validity by taking a promise). Life is more about having the right thoughts and approach than anything else
I wish all the lovers a very peaceful life ahead. Keep smiling. No one in the world wants you to be hurt. You are hurting yourselves due to the wrong thoughts you have. Don't ever take someone's suggestions for your love or for that matter any other problem you have except from the ones who you trust completely. 50% of them do not care and the remaining 50% are glad that you have those problems. Take your decisions yourself. Always have faith in God. And like my friend, do NOT go to force anything on your girl/boy as the chances that they will assume that you are taking advantage of them, using them, etc. is very high. Just spend time together, enjoy each other's presence, speak good things, think about growth & progress in life, chit chat about bollywood, in case some issue like this comes up, try to joke on it and close it unless it is really necessary to do a research. You are lovers and not CBIs. Learn to also understand each other and express each other's needs in real terms and put them into practical application. The 3rd person has nothing to lose. Its only you who will lose all the the time, energy, peace, love and above all, trust. Don't forget the the 3rd person also has a relationship, life & duty to perform. He/she is the 1st/2nd person in another relationship. Everyone has got their own life. No one wants to enter your life. Its only you who pull them into your mental life. When you practically see, they are nowhere to be seen. Even in the above case, the girl does not seem to trust the boy and the boy is hurt because she does not trust him. Those girls about who the girl speaks are nowhere in the scene and these people are still fighting over them. They know it but still they don't stop. Trust is the foundation for every type of relationship. If the foundation cracks, the building just has no value. Its always good to lose the top floors (ego, jealousy, hatred, zidd, etc.) than to damage the foundation. Give it up. After all, if you really love someone, you are one and the same. What's the problem in giving up for your own happiness? Life brings many real challenges in the future. Keep up your energies for them. Don't burn them away in such unnecessary thoughts. True love survives everything. Take care
Watch this nice video that I watched recently. Its about marriages. But observe the thought process of the boy & the girl. There are so many differences and yet, they go about the right way and end up in a happy life.
This has a lot to teach
This has a lot to teach
You may also consider watching movies like Khushi that go to describe what happens when clashes come into relationships. Don't just leave them there. Learn from them. After all, Life is not a fancy dress competition.